How to become a Long Street hobo

This post is for those individuals who have always wondered how hobos on Long make their living. By the term hobo I’m referring to the homeless vagabonds that roam Long.  

Firstly, you need to learn how to speak proper English (use the correct grammar, proper pronunciation and clear articulation): this is very important if you want to shock the person you are trying to get money from. This shows them that you are not uneducated and that life has just thrown you a few raw deals. This is bound to get you some sympathy and of course some money.

But if that doesn’t work so well, learn to dance. Yes, this is a people-pleaser.  You are bound to be a hit with the few people that happened to catch you entertain. Yes indeed, this will bring in the money. Dance at every street corner, on the road or outside any club. Anywhere were people can stop to watch you. What else do you have to lose?

And if you love to entertain you could also sing with the drunkards walking by. Drunks are usually very friendly and giving. If it makes you cash then why not?

Or you could don a costume. Bright, neon colours always draw attention. I’m sure the people giving you money appreciate the extra effort.

And remember to always be of assistance. Either be it helping out some lost internationals, directing people to certain clubs or even pushing a car down Long. Being of help always brings in some extra cash.

But, if all else fails. You could just resort to showing people the sugar water you drink for foodstuff the and chase them down Long Street till they give in and throw money at you (this actually happened to me. *rolling my eyes*).

You really don’t have to believe this works. I’ve seen it work myself. It’s just one of those odd things I have seen along Long Street.

The Five types of Girls you get on Long

 Since I did a post on the 3 types of men you find on Long, I decided it’s only fair I discuss the 5 types of girls I have had the pleasure of interacting with on Long.

1.       The Socialite

This girl walks into a place, and all ready, all eyes are on her. She doesn't have to be a celebrity or anything. It’s just in the way she behaves. She is usually dressed up really nice, her hair and make-up is perfect and she doesn’t look inexpensive at all. Only problem… is that if you don’t have the money to entertain this girl, don’t even bother trying to get acquainted.  She loves opulence. She adores All things expensive, from Expensive drinks (if it’s not of bottle expensive champagne or the likes do not even offer to buy her a drink), expensive food( you know those I–only-eat-sushi-duck-lobster type girls), VVIP, gifts etc… Unless you look somewhat wealthy, stay away! She usually has her nose in the air. And if you dare approach she will probably ignore you like you were just the invisible air in front of her. If you do succeed to fool her into thinking your rich, sorry to say, when she finds out your not she will be gone like yesterday is gone.

2.       The Flirt

Now this girl is a lovely person to be around. She is fun, bubbly and always up for anything. She also knows how to mingle. So she can introduce you to many people. She usually knows the bouncer, the barman and the manager of places. She speaks to anyone and anybody. There is no judgement when it comes to her. The homeless, the rich, the students and the abstract; All people are alike to her. So if you like making friends or whatever else, she is the best person to approach. She is usually moving around the place and never seated. Be it dancing or chatting with her friends, you will never find her bored at a place. She is awesome to party with because she never stops moving. One thing that might come across about her is that she’s a flirt. How else is she supposed to get free things? But nonetheless, she is harmless and a lovely person to hang out with.

3.       The “WOOOOOOHOOOOO” girls

We all know these girls. They usually party in a large group. Either it’s a 21^st, a group of 1^st years or whatever; this group of girls is MASSIVE. All it takes is for that one girl to go “woooooohoooo!!!” before they all follow in unison “wooooohoooo!!!”, and your left staring at them in annoyance. These girls are usually stupidly drunk. Drunk   to such a point that they no longer can walk or talk properly. But they are very FRIENDLY!!!! So friendly it’s quite irritating. One of them always has to make friends with you and introduce you to her best friend (usually the drunkest person there - *rolling my eyes*). But I have to b e honest, the best thing about these girls is that they will buy you drinks till you drop. Hehehe, like they say if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

4.       The Pessimist

Now understand me perfectly, if you know you have a friend that is cynical….PLEASE LEAVE HER AT HOME!!!! We don’t know why your friend is angry, but we do not appreciate being looked at like we owe her money, or like we killed her family member, or something. She usually walks into a place immediately sits down and crosses her arms. She then spends the rest of the night passing judgemental stares at people. Don’t think for a second that her contemptuous ways are just for strangers because you will be the number one target for her judgements. And unless you want to hear about what you did that night for the next year (because they never forget!!!), I suggest you take my advice and leave this girl at home. I know I do!

5.       The Cougar

Last but not least, the Cougar. This woman loves to party. She has loved partying her entire life and won’t stop anytime soon. She loves to socialize and is a really friendly person. Conversations flow easily with this person. She has been doing this for years; she knows exactly what she’s doing. One thing about this lady is that she is usually very, very old. Know I am not talking about those in their 30’s and 40’s. I’m talking about that woman that has you thinking that she is your mothers age. As if the thought of your mother at a club wasn’t enough, she really loves talking about her kids and how she needs to make sure she gets home before they wake up for school.(O_o)

Now you don’t have to accept what I have said as true. But, I have personally experienced all five of these persona's on Long Street. Yep, this is just one of those things on Long.

The Loop

My thoughts about the Loop are very, very vacillating.

The first time I went there, the Loop was pretty much empty. There were a few people up at VIP and less than 20 people downstairs in general access. What put me of the Loop the first time I went there actually had nothing to do with the Loop at all. It was more of the persona of the people there. There was a limping girl who had a gash on her shin, bleeding blood, into her heels. Literally, her foot was probably bathed in a marsh pit of blood.  She just carried on like her leg wasn’t in pain. Now her I could ignore. What I couldn’t ignore, was the guy who was trying to climb his way into VIP using a framework of lights. Or the random guy that pulled down his pants to show us how special his buttocks were. But, to be honest, those guys didn’t bother me either. What bothered me were the three international creeps who kept smiling and staring at us. I got an eerie feel of “serial killer” from those guys. Simply put, my first visit to the Loop was short-lived.

My second experience of the Loop was a Groove Afrika event. It was the complete opposite of my previous experience. It was PACKED! PACKED!! There was no space to dance, let alone breathe. People were SWEATING!!!  It was so hot inside, it almost made you forget it was winter outside. Yet again, my problems weren’t with the Loop, it was mostly with the crowd.  Due to the fact that there was hardly any space to dance or catch a breath of fresh air, that night was also short lived.

After that, most of the times I went into the Loop have been in-and-out situations. Do not get me wrong, it’s a lovely place but I just can’t stay in there long enough to have a good time.

The Loop itself is quite an edgy club despite its minimalistic feel. I actually really like the place. They usually play electro, and I really love electro.  The manager is a shrewd businessman, very likable I may add.

Maybe others have had better experiences. You really don’t have to take my word it. One thing I can be sure of is that I will keep going there till an epic night comes along. Like I said before I really like the place. Just haven’t been impressed yet. Just my opinion…

Baghdad

What is the first thought that comes into your mind when I say the word “Baghdad”.  That is exactly what the Baghdad of Long Street is like. Hahaha, okay maybe not that bad.

I won’t lie I have found myself in Baghdad very, very many times. So many times I am even acquainted with the bar men, the resident dj’s and the manager (or I think he is a manager). No matter how many times I have been to Baghdad it still hasn’t changed my mind from the first impression I had of the place. In the simplest of descriptions, it really isn’t such a fantastic place for some people.  It’s so not fantastic that I got my cellphone stolen inside, I was harassed by a hobo right outside its door and I have been in a few fights with some guys inside.

 But, despite all these bad happenings I just seem to find myself popping in there for a while when I’m on Long. Maybe it’s the friendly barmen, or the dj’s trendy (and may I add current) tunes, or possibly that they make the best hubbly on Long.

Whatever it is, you haven’t really been to Long street unless you have gone inside. I’m sure you have your own opinions.  You don’t have to take my word for it. I’m just saying…

The Reckless Driver... strikes again!

One thing I have to mention about the Reckless driver is that they have this extraordinary ability to convince you that you will be safe in their care. This ofcourse being a blatant lie. A person is never ever safe around the Reckless Driver. But, for some odd reason you find that your defences become lowered and you are completely convinced nothing can go wrong. "Its just going to be a normal night out. Nothing can go wrong. There are more than enough "designated" drivers", you try to convince yourself. Once again I had to learn a hard lesson when it comes to the Reckless driver. If its to good to be true...IT PROBABLY IS!

Like most of our nights out, we find ourselves in Long street.We were a group of about 10 girls. Came in two cars and most of the girls could drive at the time (excluding me and one friend of mine - who I will name Olivia). For the purposes of anonymity I will use psuedonames. The plan for driving back to campus was as follows: Firstly, no person who was drinking would be allowed to drive back. Secondly, if it is your car we are using make sure you have a sober alternative driver if you happen to drink. Lastly, we shall wait for those that have been drinking to sober up before we leave. Sounds like a legit plan right? If only...

Now the Reckless driver travels with either a sidekick or an entourage. But here is the important thing to remember about these associates of the Recklesss driver, they all think exactly like the Reckless driver. Essentially giving rise to a group of what I call collectively "The Reckless Driver!". Now, one thing that I know now that I didn't know back then, was that one thing that was more dangerous than a Reckless Driver is a group of Reckless Drivers. Let me tell you why...

When we arrived at Chrome (a previously existing club on Long) that night, I am pretty sure none of those girls that had said they won't drink actually planned on not drinking. Because, the moment we got to Chrome all 8 of the other girls went straight for the bar. Leaving me and Olivia ,the only two who cannot drive, the sober ones. Shot after shot, the girls just kept downing the alcohol. Girls went missing, and then we found them again, and then they went missing again. Some locked themselves in bathroom stalls the whole night throwing up (Tammy and Emma). And others went in search of food at McDonalds (Melany and Anne). And the rest I have no idea were they disappeared to he whole night. What I am sure of is that they were all drinking up a storm. GOODBYE SAFE-DRIVING PLAN!

When it was time to go home and we had successfully found most of the missing parties, there is a police officer questioning one friend (Rebecca). Now, Rebecca decided to drunk-call her ex-boyfriend outside. when her boyfriend didn't pick up because he was with his current girlfriend she got angry and decided she is now driving home. That's when the police officer decided to intervene and question. Just my luck!!! Bad Luck in Long street yet again. After a long discussion ( or whatever drunk people do when they think they making sense in a argument) with the policeman about their ability to drive in their state. He suggests that he drives back in one car whilst his partner trails behind us in their police van (or we could leave and he arrests us for drunk driving). But there is a problem. We came in two cars and the two sober people left cannot drive. That's when Melany and Anne decide to return from McDonalds. Anne who is clearly drunk (I don't know why the policeman never picked it up) lies and says she is sober and can drive the second car. I will repeat. Anne lied and said she was sober and she lied and said she could drive!!! Anne was at the time a beginner learner driver. and If you know Long street you know that no learner driver can really manoeuvre the streets around Long.

We decide to leave with the policeman as our driver. And as per usual the Reckless driver stick together. they all go into Rebecca's car with Anne as their driver. And the rest of us sat in Tammy's car with the policeman as the driver. I kid you not, as we about to pull off, Anne cannot even start the car. Rebecca decides its her car she will drive. We spent the rest of the drive back home tailing Rebecca ,whose car kept swerving left and right then left again the entire time. And Emma sitting in the front seat of Tammy's car apologising  repeatedly for Rebeccas driving and thanking the policemen. Did I mention that Tammy kept throwing up out of her car window the entire drive back.The policeman ,to put it lightly, was highly unimpressed.

We did end up home safe, but that was thanks to the policeman. If it were up to the Reckless driver we would have ended up dead or in prison. You don't have to believe it but it sure as hell happened to me. Its yet another bad event that happened on Long street.

The Reckless (Drunk) Driver

This anecdote is about a person or even a group of people I have collectively named the “Reckless Driver”.

The Reckless Driver is always the person who is too cheap to pay for a cab to go out, so they always offer to drive (if we pay petrol money of course).  They also have to spin you some story of how they won’t drink, and if they do drink they will wait 2 hours to sober up before we leave, or even if they don’t sober up there is always an alternative driver who will most definitely be sober to drive us back. Sounds legit right? If only…

On this particular night we were approached by The Reckless driver and her friend The Alternative driver to go to St Yves for the night. We were not very keen to go as we always take a cab (saves us the hassle of drunk drivers). And I’m pretty sure Miss Reckless Driver wanted us to come along as she needed petrol money. But, she and her sidekick told us some tale of how they are planning not to drink and so on and so forth. Against my better judgement we decide to go.

The night itself was pretty enjoyable. We really had outright fun at St Yves. I even thought that my sixth sense of bad luck was beginning to not work so well anymore. But I was wrong my sixth sense is always right. Now when we got to St Yves we split from the Reckless Driver and her sidekick. So for most of the night we weren’t in contact.

At about 2am Miss Alternative Driver finds me, and says that she is so wasted she needs to go sleep in the car. We find Miss Reckless Driver (who, by the way, is throwing back shots like there’s no tomorrow) and get the car keys. I walk Miss Alternative (who can barely even stand up) to the car and lock her inside. When I get back Miss Reckless tells me she’s about to sober up. I tell you no lies when I say, SHE NEVER DID…She just kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

Okay so Miss Reckless-Drunk driver cannot drive and neither can Miss Alternative-Drunk driver. We are all the way in Camps bay. Our usual cab guys are either unavailable or not answering their phones. And for some strange messed up reason there were no cabs outside the club that night. With no other options we were forced to get into the car with Miss Drunk Driver.

Now there were 3 of us and 2 of them just enough to fit into her small car comfortably. But for some odd reason Miss Drunk Drivers Boyfriend had to occupy the front seat. Now that wouldn’t bother me on a usual night. But, Miss Alternative decided she was going vomit all over the back seat. My bad luck strikes again. So Miss Alternative lay across 75% of the back seat and the 3 of us occupied the 25% that was untouched by the vomit. Super uncomfortable!!!

As we pull off Miss Reckless Driver climbs on to the curb and almost hits a hobo. At that moment I decided to close my eyes. If I am going to die I don’t want to be awake to see it I figured. Her boyfriend kept staring at her and shouting “WAKE UP!!!” every time she dozed off. At some point I opened my eyes to check how far along we were, that’s when the car stalled and rolled back. To make matters worse there was a police car behind us!!!! Luckily that police guy did nothing. And by some twist in fate we had a little bit of luck and made it home alive.

To end of all I can say is BEWARE THE RECKLESS DRIVER and her sidekick alternative driver. They will drink themselves stupid, and try kill you with their drunk-driving. You don’t have to take my word for it. But it is just another misfortune that’s happened to me.

Bad Car-ma

I’ve probably said this before, but when it comes to Long Street I just have a lot of bad karma.  But on this particular Friday, for some odd reason the imaginary Gods that reign over Long decided to give me a break and pour their wrath on another poor unsuspecting soul.  This person to be exact is a friend of mine. We shall name her Emma for the purposes of anonymity.

Our story starts in Long Street Café. And Before I go any further, I should explain the weather that day. It was COOOOOOLD! It was a VERY COLD, VERY RAINY, very WINDY Friday. It RAINED the entire night. Long Street itself was covered in pools of water. It was literally a miserable night for a girls’ night out.

 Now to get back to our story... We were seated in Long Street Café with very little options of where else to go due to the gloomy weather, when more of our friends stream in through the door (including Emma). Unlike us, our other friends where very happy and jubilant. They were optimistic for the rest of the night, when we were so very close to calling it a night. They had all of these ideas of where else we could go to continue the night. We too got excited; I guess the night wasn’t done after all. We finished off our drinks and left the Café.

I really have to repeat this, the weather was atrocious! It poured all the way, on our "run" to the car (most of us in heels, we couldn’t actually run). We get into the car and… the car won’t start. The driver tries it again…nothing. She tries it yet again, and again, and again. But the car would not start, not once. Someone then suggests we get out the car and PUSH! Yes, you read right. We were to PUSH the car down Long Street for it to start.

I had previously mentioned that we were all in heels. I, at that time, had thoughts of horror filling my mind. Firstly, it’s raining! Secondly, we are all in heels! Thirdly, MY HAIR!! I’m pretty sure I was the only one with such feelings of dread. All the other girls except me and another friend decided to get out of the car and push. Don’t know how to explain it but I felt like this situation had no good ending for me. So, I decided to stand on the side and watch these other girls push.

I think they were pushing for about 30 seconds when ,THUD!!!, Emma slips face first into a pool of water. She was DRENCHED!!! SWIMMING in that puddle! With her clutch bag in the one hand and one of her heels lying about a meter away from here. IT WAS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! Dressed in her little cocktail dress, make-up done, hair done... and she was laying face first in that dirty pool of water in Long Street.

At that very moment I stopped feeling guilty for not helping to push. Clearly I now have a sixth sense when it comes to bad karma in Long. To conclude we did end up getting the car to start with a little help from some random men. But I think it was evident from the unfortunate event that happened to poor Emma, our night was done. Wrong! Emma and the crew decided to carry on their night, whilst we called it quits. I just didn’t want to push my luck to much that night. I had dodged a bullet (thanks to Emma LOL).

You really don’t have to believe this one. You had to have been there to see it. That ends Emma’s story of her bad car-ma (get it?) on Long...

The Fall Guy System…

I am going to explain a practise I have experienced that guys on Long have adopted. I named it the-fall- guy system.

Just to set the scene…It is a girls night out and we decided not to do anything hectic. So we decided to go have drinks at a very relaxed lounge. Whilst we are conversing, a guy seems to just randomly enter our conversation.  This guy is usually either really attractive or an excellent conversationalist. He is dynamic and charismatic. He buys us drinks. He seems to keep the chattering alive with interesting topics. We having fun and enjoying his presence. He gains a bit of our trust. He does not hit on us or make us feel uncomfortable. He is just having an honest conversation with us. Then one of his friends comes to tell him something. He introduces his friend to us. It would be rude not to do so. His friend greets and strikes up conversation. But hold on, his friend is a bit of a bore and not much of a looker either. You don’t mind, he must be nice like his friend. Right? But hang on, more friends seem to pop out of the air. Conversation starts to slow down. Your interest levels plummeting fast. These friends start to seem very sinister. They start hitting on us and asking for numbers. Wait….How did this happen? Hold on... Where’s the initial guy we spoke to?! HE IS GONE!!! When did he leave? Who are these men, and how did we end up here?!!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I will explain. It is all a massive con constructed to get guys who wouldn't usually have the guts to strike up conversation to talk to girls.  The initial guy whom I call the “fall guy” is used to attract your attention. You don’t mind chatting to him because he seems really very honest with no ulterior motives. That’s exactly his job.  To approach the girls for the rest of the guys and when he has done that he simply disappears. Leaving you perplexed as to how you ended up talking to guys you wouldn't usually even look at.

Don’t believe me? Well you don’t have to. It’s happened to me a few times though. Anyways like I say it’s just one of those misfortunes I have experienced in Long Street.

The 3 Types of Guys found on Long

There are 3 types of guys I have had the pleasure of meeting in Long.

1. The Overcompensator
The first of these guys is what I call an "overcompensator". He looks self-assured  and confident from afar. From my experience he is either a looker or seems to be successful. He is usually arrogant and always right. Be prepared to be thrown into a long discussion or debate about something trivial with this man. Usually in the cases of these men, they are too good to be true! They usually are overcompensating for something (whatever flaw they seem to find in themselves). This could be anything from being rude because they short; or to spending a hell of a lot in the clubs because they actually are not rich; or he is really very fat and finds pleasure in lecturing you on how you should give everyone a chance because your parents have taught you better. You know, those guys that buy the expensive drinks with their months salary or always seem to drag you into some kind of argument? He is one guy to definitely avoid on a night out. He will have you so antagonized by the end of the night, you will wonder why you thought that day was a good day for a night out.

2. The All-Rounder
Number two is the "all-rounder". This guy is everyone's friend. He is a floater, striking up conversations with anyone who will listen. He seems to gel to all sorts of people across all boundaries. Or so it seems... From my experience if you take a good look at this guy something is just not right. The  following is just an example I mean nothing offensive by it, but: He is usually the the black guy in a group of white friends (yet again I state just an example), but hang on a second... now that you have seen this guy so many times on Long you begin to notice... he tends to speak to everyone of all ages except... black people! Yes, now that you really analyze all those times you have seen this guy around, not once have you seen him with black people. But, he is black! Baffled? Well so am I.

3. The Cant-complain Guy
You know this guy. He is the one when you always ask "How are you?" His response is always "Can't complain." Yep, he is the most content of these three guys. Why? He accepts who he is! He has absolutely no problems with himself. Bad-hair, smelly, badly dressed, unsuccessful or poor; he has no issues. He is actually very nice to spend your time with. He is always up for anything and he's a fantastic conversationalist. But you just can't shake that feeling that he is a waste of time? That's because he is a complete waste of time. How can you be completely content that you as a human being are not moving forward in life? How are you okay with no further education past High School or find it okay to start your day without a shower?! But hey, at least his still a nice guy to hang out with. You seriously don't have to marry the guy.

That concludes my list of the types of guys you find on Long Street. You really don't have to take my word for it. Like I said its just my ill-fated experience.

The First Time...

I still remember the first time I went to long. I was a first year student, fresh out of high school. Still Remember feelings of dread and excitement I experienced. Questions such as: " Do I look my age?", "Will the bouncers ask me for ID?", "Am I dressed well enough?" and so on, were streaming through my mind.Those thoughts completely left my mind when I took my first step out of the cab and on to Long street. I don't know why but there is something about that place that makes you lose inhibition and just be (could have something to do with the alcohol...hahahaha). To be honest, I really do not remember most of that night. What I do remember is: getting somewhat drunk, getting separated from my friends, kissing some guy by a stairway in some club, eventually finding one friend, dancing, being forcefully moved out of the way for some guys to dance in-front of some mirrors, laughing at the guys watching themselves dance in-front of these mirrors, going to the bathroom to hold up my friends hair while she threw up and finally getting into a cab and going back home. It was your average girls night out I guess.  Nothing absurd to recall really. But this night was to be that first of many nights that comprise of my  downward spiraling relationship with Cape Towns nightlife. And the beginning of all the mishaps I have encountered thus far.