The Reckless (Drunk) Driver

This anecdote is about a person or even a group of people I have collectively named the “Reckless Driver”.

The Reckless Driver is always the person who is too cheap to pay for a cab to go out, so they always offer to drive (if we pay petrol money of course).  They also have to spin you some story of how they won’t drink, and if they do drink they will wait 2 hours to sober up before we leave, or even if they don’t sober up there is always an alternative driver who will most definitely be sober to drive us back. Sounds legit right? If only…

On this particular night we were approached by The Reckless driver and her friend The Alternative driver to go to St Yves for the night. We were not very keen to go as we always take a cab (saves us the hassle of drunk drivers). And I’m pretty sure Miss Reckless Driver wanted us to come along as she needed petrol money. But, she and her sidekick told us some tale of how they are planning not to drink and so on and so forth. Against my better judgement we decide to go.

The night itself was pretty enjoyable. We really had outright fun at St Yves. I even thought that my sixth sense of bad luck was beginning to not work so well anymore. But I was wrong my sixth sense is always right. Now when we got to St Yves we split from the Reckless Driver and her sidekick. So for most of the night we weren’t in contact.

At about 2am Miss Alternative Driver finds me, and says that she is so wasted she needs to go sleep in the car. We find Miss Reckless Driver (who, by the way, is throwing back shots like there’s no tomorrow) and get the car keys. I walk Miss Alternative (who can barely even stand up) to the car and lock her inside. When I get back Miss Reckless tells me she’s about to sober up. I tell you no lies when I say, SHE NEVER DID…She just kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

Okay so Miss Reckless-Drunk driver cannot drive and neither can Miss Alternative-Drunk driver. We are all the way in Camps bay. Our usual cab guys are either unavailable or not answering their phones. And for some strange messed up reason there were no cabs outside the club that night. With no other options we were forced to get into the car with Miss Drunk Driver.

Now there were 3 of us and 2 of them just enough to fit into her small car comfortably. But for some odd reason Miss Drunk Drivers Boyfriend had to occupy the front seat. Now that wouldn’t bother me on a usual night. But, Miss Alternative decided she was going vomit all over the back seat. My bad luck strikes again. So Miss Alternative lay across 75% of the back seat and the 3 of us occupied the 25% that was untouched by the vomit. Super uncomfortable!!!

As we pull off Miss Reckless Driver climbs on to the curb and almost hits a hobo. At that moment I decided to close my eyes. If I am going to die I don’t want to be awake to see it I figured. Her boyfriend kept staring at her and shouting “WAKE UP!!!” every time she dozed off. At some point I opened my eyes to check how far along we were, that’s when the car stalled and rolled back. To make matters worse there was a police car behind us!!!! Luckily that police guy did nothing. And by some twist in fate we had a little bit of luck and made it home alive.

To end of all I can say is BEWARE THE RECKLESS DRIVER and her sidekick alternative driver. They will drink themselves stupid, and try kill you with their drunk-driving. You don’t have to take my word for it. But it is just another misfortune that’s happened to me.

Bad Car-ma

I’ve probably said this before, but when it comes to Long Street I just have a lot of bad karma.  But on this particular Friday, for some odd reason the imaginary Gods that reign over Long decided to give me a break and pour their wrath on another poor unsuspecting soul.  This person to be exact is a friend of mine. We shall name her Emma for the purposes of anonymity.

Our story starts in Long Street Café. And Before I go any further, I should explain the weather that day. It was COOOOOOLD! It was a VERY COLD, VERY RAINY, very WINDY Friday. It RAINED the entire night. Long Street itself was covered in pools of water. It was literally a miserable night for a girls’ night out.

 Now to get back to our story... We were seated in Long Street Café with very little options of where else to go due to the gloomy weather, when more of our friends stream in through the door (including Emma). Unlike us, our other friends where very happy and jubilant. They were optimistic for the rest of the night, when we were so very close to calling it a night. They had all of these ideas of where else we could go to continue the night. We too got excited; I guess the night wasn’t done after all. We finished off our drinks and left the Café.

I really have to repeat this, the weather was atrocious! It poured all the way, on our "run" to the car (most of us in heels, we couldn’t actually run). We get into the car and… the car won’t start. The driver tries it again…nothing. She tries it yet again, and again, and again. But the car would not start, not once. Someone then suggests we get out the car and PUSH! Yes, you read right. We were to PUSH the car down Long Street for it to start.

I had previously mentioned that we were all in heels. I, at that time, had thoughts of horror filling my mind. Firstly, it’s raining! Secondly, we are all in heels! Thirdly, MY HAIR!! I’m pretty sure I was the only one with such feelings of dread. All the other girls except me and another friend decided to get out of the car and push. Don’t know how to explain it but I felt like this situation had no good ending for me. So, I decided to stand on the side and watch these other girls push.

I think they were pushing for about 30 seconds when ,THUD!!!, Emma slips face first into a pool of water. She was DRENCHED!!! SWIMMING in that puddle! With her clutch bag in the one hand and one of her heels lying about a meter away from here. IT WAS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! Dressed in her little cocktail dress, make-up done, hair done... and she was laying face first in that dirty pool of water in Long Street.

At that very moment I stopped feeling guilty for not helping to push. Clearly I now have a sixth sense when it comes to bad karma in Long. To conclude we did end up getting the car to start with a little help from some random men. But I think it was evident from the unfortunate event that happened to poor Emma, our night was done. Wrong! Emma and the crew decided to carry on their night, whilst we called it quits. I just didn’t want to push my luck to much that night. I had dodged a bullet (thanks to Emma LOL).

You really don’t have to believe this one. You had to have been there to see it. That ends Emma’s story of her bad car-ma (get it?) on Long...

The Fall Guy System…

I am going to explain a practise I have experienced that guys on Long have adopted. I named it the-fall- guy system.

Just to set the scene…It is a girls night out and we decided not to do anything hectic. So we decided to go have drinks at a very relaxed lounge. Whilst we are conversing, a guy seems to just randomly enter our conversation.  This guy is usually either really attractive or an excellent conversationalist. He is dynamic and charismatic. He buys us drinks. He seems to keep the chattering alive with interesting topics. We having fun and enjoying his presence. He gains a bit of our trust. He does not hit on us or make us feel uncomfortable. He is just having an honest conversation with us. Then one of his friends comes to tell him something. He introduces his friend to us. It would be rude not to do so. His friend greets and strikes up conversation. But hold on, his friend is a bit of a bore and not much of a looker either. You don’t mind, he must be nice like his friend. Right? But hang on, more friends seem to pop out of the air. Conversation starts to slow down. Your interest levels plummeting fast. These friends start to seem very sinister. They start hitting on us and asking for numbers. Wait….How did this happen? Hold on... Where’s the initial guy we spoke to?! HE IS GONE!!! When did he leave? Who are these men, and how did we end up here?!!

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I will explain. It is all a massive con constructed to get guys who wouldn't usually have the guts to strike up conversation to talk to girls.  The initial guy whom I call the “fall guy” is used to attract your attention. You don’t mind chatting to him because he seems really very honest with no ulterior motives. That’s exactly his job.  To approach the girls for the rest of the guys and when he has done that he simply disappears. Leaving you perplexed as to how you ended up talking to guys you wouldn't usually even look at.

Don’t believe me? Well you don’t have to. It’s happened to me a few times though. Anyways like I say it’s just one of those misfortunes I have experienced in Long Street.

The 3 Types of Guys found on Long

There are 3 types of guys I have had the pleasure of meeting in Long.

1. The Overcompensator
The first of these guys is what I call an "overcompensator". He looks self-assured  and confident from afar. From my experience he is either a looker or seems to be successful. He is usually arrogant and always right. Be prepared to be thrown into a long discussion or debate about something trivial with this man. Usually in the cases of these men, they are too good to be true! They usually are overcompensating for something (whatever flaw they seem to find in themselves). This could be anything from being rude because they short; or to spending a hell of a lot in the clubs because they actually are not rich; or he is really very fat and finds pleasure in lecturing you on how you should give everyone a chance because your parents have taught you better. You know, those guys that buy the expensive drinks with their months salary or always seem to drag you into some kind of argument? He is one guy to definitely avoid on a night out. He will have you so antagonized by the end of the night, you will wonder why you thought that day was a good day for a night out.

2. The All-Rounder
Number two is the "all-rounder". This guy is everyone's friend. He is a floater, striking up conversations with anyone who will listen. He seems to gel to all sorts of people across all boundaries. Or so it seems... From my experience if you take a good look at this guy something is just not right. The  following is just an example I mean nothing offensive by it, but: He is usually the the black guy in a group of white friends (yet again I state just an example), but hang on a second... now that you have seen this guy so many times on Long you begin to notice... he tends to speak to everyone of all ages except... black people! Yes, now that you really analyze all those times you have seen this guy around, not once have you seen him with black people. But, he is black! Baffled? Well so am I.

3. The Cant-complain Guy
You know this guy. He is the one when you always ask "How are you?" His response is always "Can't complain." Yep, he is the most content of these three guys. Why? He accepts who he is! He has absolutely no problems with himself. Bad-hair, smelly, badly dressed, unsuccessful or poor; he has no issues. He is actually very nice to spend your time with. He is always up for anything and he's a fantastic conversationalist. But you just can't shake that feeling that he is a waste of time? That's because he is a complete waste of time. How can you be completely content that you as a human being are not moving forward in life? How are you okay with no further education past High School or find it okay to start your day without a shower?! But hey, at least his still a nice guy to hang out with. You seriously don't have to marry the guy.

That concludes my list of the types of guys you find on Long Street. You really don't have to take my word for it. Like I said its just my ill-fated experience.

The First Time...

I still remember the first time I went to long. I was a first year student, fresh out of high school. Still Remember feelings of dread and excitement I experienced. Questions such as: " Do I look my age?", "Will the bouncers ask me for ID?", "Am I dressed well enough?" and so on, were streaming through my mind.Those thoughts completely left my mind when I took my first step out of the cab and on to Long street. I don't know why but there is something about that place that makes you lose inhibition and just be (could have something to do with the alcohol...hahahaha). To be honest, I really do not remember most of that night. What I do remember is: getting somewhat drunk, getting separated from my friends, kissing some guy by a stairway in some club, eventually finding one friend, dancing, being forcefully moved out of the way for some guys to dance in-front of some mirrors, laughing at the guys watching themselves dance in-front of these mirrors, going to the bathroom to hold up my friends hair while she threw up and finally getting into a cab and going back home. It was your average girls night out I guess.  Nothing absurd to recall really. But this night was to be that first of many nights that comprise of my  downward spiraling relationship with Cape Towns nightlife. And the beginning of all the mishaps I have encountered thus far.