Sunday, 11 August 2013

Do's and Don'ts of Long...

1. DO take your Iphone, Android phone or Blackberry etc. to Long. So that you get drunk and have it stolen! Seriously DON'T do that, it will get stolen. Just take a cheaper phone!

2. DO spend your cab money! After all you only live once right?! Just remember It won't be as much fun when your stranded in Long the next morning waiting for a buddy to come get you.

3. DO NOT wear heels unless you where born in them! Or you can go all out, heels and all! Literally, break a leg! Club hopping in heels will have you walking like a newly born deer by the end of the night. But if you must, do what you want.

4. DO NOT speak to people in the other cubicle when you go to the bathroom. No good ending starts with "We met in the bathroom cubicles"!

5. DO get so drunk you forget these do's and don'ts and whatever you want, after all you are in Long...

Reasons the cab guy won't come...

1. Remember that time you got so hammered you throw up all over his back seat? Yeah, the cab guy does too. Since he spent the whole of the next day cleaning it out.

2. Remember another time where your guy friend thought it would be cool to steal money from his   cubby-hole (local South African word for a glove compartment in a car)? The cab guy remembers that too.

3. Or what about that time you didn't have cash to pay him when he dropped you off so you promised to pay when he picks you up but then you stiffed him of his cash. Yep, that also pissed the cab guy off.

4. Or the other time you told him to come get you but then you got high and forgot about him and he waited for you for an hour? That was probably the last straw. Poor guy is just trying to make a living and your wasting his time.

That's probably why your cab guy won't come. Time to search for a new one I guess.

How to never make it to Long....

1. Pre-Drinks.....


Seriously.... If you ever gotten so hammered you couldn't leave the house you know exactly what I     mean.

2. Take a quick nap before you leave...

That f'd up moment you wake you at 3:15 am with 9 missed calls.

3. Miss your flight....

  Been away from Cape Town for some time, so excited to get back and meet up with your friends and   you miss your flight and next available flight is tomorrow morning...sigh...

Cheer up! there's always next weekend...

Monday, 17 June 2013

How to tell if you have bad luck..

Are you unsure if you suffer from occasional badluck on your nights out. Here's how you can tell...

1. If you get so drunk you lose your shoes, lose your friends, get bounced out of the club, forget where you parked your car, end up in a police station and have them call your dad who then decides to take the first flight into Cape Town... Then you know you have bad luck!

2. If you get sliced with a razor blade on your thigh and you have no idea when or when it happened and by whom... Then its evident you have bad luck.

3. If you get into an argument with some guys about parking and someone pulls out a taser... I would suggest you apologize quickly for "stealing" that persons parking and drive off quickly...Definite bad luck!

4. You keep losing your phone, wallet and mind occasionally!

5. You trip and fall in your little boob-tube dress, and the dress decides to get caught somewhere...and you have just flashed the entire club! Hard luck ey! 

6. If after a night out you crash at some random persons house and wake up the next afternoon with no way home. Chilling at Long Streets McDonalds on a Sunday afternoon still in yesterdays Freakum dress and hooker heels, with R6 rand in your purse, bank card is missing and your phones battery has died. LMFAO! All I can say is good luck on that train ride back home!

7. If you get so excited whilst twerking on the stage in the ''clurrrb" and you happen to sh*t yourself. *SMDH*. Sounds unbelievable right? ( Poor girl.

8. If your ex is a nut and he/she waiting for you to exit the club with a police baton in their hand. Then you my dear have bad luck.

9. If a fight breaks out in the club and you happen to be standing nearby and get KO'd just to be dragged out of the club by the bouncers for being involved. Ultimate bad luck!

If by any chance any of these ever happen to you. I'm sorry to say you have some serous bad luck. My advice shrug it off and move on...Its just one of those things...

Thursday, 16 May 2013

How to not approach a girl (Creepy ways in which guys approach girls)…

1.       The Stare.

I have no clue why guys do this but if you’re going to stare at a girl for 3 hours before approaching, best believe she has already sensed your beady eyes gawking at her ages ago. She will avoid you!!! She will avoid eye contact with you! She will avoid looking in your direction! She will even position herself in some little corner where you can’t see her. And eventually when your creepy self decides to come out of the shadows and say hello, a scene from Lord of the Rings will play in her head and the only words she will hear are “My Precious…”! She will run away and fast at that!

2.       The Grab.

Grab her arm, waist or neck and never let go! If she screams, punches you in the throat or kicks you in the gut; I repeat do not ever let go! -  I don’t think I need to explain why that move does not work, but for all those that don’t get why it won’t work… Girls will not speak to a guy who gives them the first impression of being a serial killer!

3.       The drunk.

Alcohol, the lovely liquid that gives men the guts to conquer the world… or so you think. Drunks are the worst. Every single girl in the world (if she is sober) will hate having to talk to a drunk! We just hate it! Maybe it’s the fact that you’re not making sense or that every time you say a word I am showered in spit or that you’re leaning in way too much. Whatever it is, your drunk self is unappealing. Anyone more irritating than you is your drunk wingman. You both suck! Go away!

4.       The Mute.

Well done, you have approached the girl and said hi! Now what?! Please do not stand there like a retard and repeat “you are so gorgeous” for the next ten minutes. Are those the only English words you know?! Please have something more to say than those few words or worse saying NOTHING! It’s creepy! She will walk away from the mute creep guaranteed!

5.       The Persistent.

Of all the ways to be annoying this is most probably the best.  If she has rejected you once, please gather yourself up and walk away with some kind of dignity! Do not! I repeat do not stand there looking at her like she owes you money. No, she is most probably not lying when she says “I’m not interested”, “I have a boyfriend” or “seriously, get away you creep”. She is not playing hard to get! She really isn't interested. Walk away and do it with dignity at that. Do not say snide remarks or mention that she wasn't your type anyways. You are not improving your position or gaining anything more from that. And if she grabs her best friend next to her and says they a lesbian couple, she’s not trying to fulfill one of your fantasies but at that moment she would rather lie about her sexuality than talk to you. Walk away. Walk away fast.

You really don't have to take my word for it, but i doubt this will work for any guy! Its just one of those things on Long...