How to tell if you have bad luck..

Are you unsure if you suffer from occasional badluck on your nights out. Here's how you can tell...

1. If you get so drunk you lose your shoes, lose your friends, get bounced out of the club, forget where you parked your car, end up in a police station and have them call your dad who then decides to take the first flight into Cape Town... Then you know you have bad luck!

2. If you get sliced with a razor blade on your thigh and you have no idea when or when it happened and by whom... Then its evident you have bad luck.

3. If you get into an argument with some guys about parking and someone pulls out a taser... I would suggest you apologize quickly for "stealing" that persons parking and drive off quickly...Definite bad luck!

4. You keep losing your phone, wallet and mind occasionally!

5. You trip and fall in your little boob-tube dress, and the dress decides to get caught somewhere...and you have just flashed the entire club! Hard luck ey! 

6. If after a night out you crash at some random persons house and wake up the next afternoon with no way home. Chilling at Long Streets McDonalds on a Sunday afternoon still in yesterdays Freakum dress and hooker heels, with R6 rand in your purse, bank card is missing and your phones battery has died. LMFAO! All I can say is good luck on that train ride back home!

7. If you get so excited whilst twerking on the stage in the ''clurrrb" and you happen to sh*t yourself. *SMDH*. Sounds unbelievable right? (http://www.justcurious.co.za/2013/06/askies-tabisa/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=askies-tabisa). Poor girl.

8. If your ex is a nut and he/she waiting for you to exit the club with a police baton in their hand. Then you my dear have bad luck.

9. If a fight breaks out in the club and you happen to be standing nearby and get KO'd just to be dragged out of the club by the bouncers for being involved. Ultimate bad luck!

If by any chance any of these ever happen to you. I'm sorry to say you have some serous bad luck. My advice shrug it off and move on...Its just one of those things...

How to not approach a girl (Creepy ways in which guys approach girls)…

1.       The Stare.

I have no clue why guys do this but if you’re going to stare at a girl for 3 hours before approaching, best believe she has already sensed your beady eyes gawking at her ages ago. She will avoid you!!! She will avoid eye contact with you! She will avoid looking in your direction! She will even position herself in some little corner where you can’t see her. And eventually when your creepy self decides to come out of the shadows and say hello, a scene from Lord of the Rings will play in her head and the only words she will hear are “My Precious…”! She will run away and fast at that!

2.       The Grab.

Grab her arm, waist or neck and never let go! If she screams, punches you in the throat or kicks you in the gut; I repeat do not ever let go! -  I don’t think I need to explain why that move does not work, but for all those that don’t get why it won’t work… Girls will not speak to a guy who gives them the first impression of being a serial killer!

3.       The drunk.

Alcohol, the lovely liquid that gives men the guts to conquer the world… or so you think. Drunks are the worst. Every single girl in the world (if she is sober) will hate having to talk to a drunk! We just hate it! Maybe it’s the fact that you’re not making sense or that every time you say a word I am showered in spit or that you’re leaning in way too much. Whatever it is, your drunk self is unappealing. Anyone more irritating than you is your drunk wingman. You both suck! Go away!

4.       The Mute.

Well done, you have approached the girl and said hi! Now what?! Please do not stand there like a retard and repeat “you are so gorgeous” for the next ten minutes. Are those the only English words you know?! Please have something more to say than those few words or worse saying NOTHING! It’s creepy! She will walk away from the mute creep guaranteed!

5.       The Persistent.

Of all the ways to be annoying this is most probably the best.  If she has rejected you once, please gather yourself up and walk away with some kind of dignity! Do not! I repeat do not stand there looking at her like she owes you money. No, she is most probably not lying when she says “I’m not interested”, “I have a boyfriend” or “seriously, get away you creep”. She is not playing hard to get! She really isn't interested. Walk away and do it with dignity at that. Do not say snide remarks or mention that she wasn't your type anyways. You are not improving your position or gaining anything more from that. And if she grabs her best friend next to her and says they a lesbian couple, she’s not trying to fulfill one of your fantasies but at that moment she would rather lie about her sexuality than talk to you. Walk away. Walk away fast.

You really don't have to take my word for it, but i doubt this will work for any guy! Its just one of those things on Long...

10 ways to know….his a married man

This post is for all the single ladies who time and time again are fooled by married men into conversations or something more. I personally have not had the experience of dealing with a married man. But I have a friend who keeps running into them (as in every single weekend). So this post will be an account of her tips on how ladies can try to avoid the married men.

1.       If he drives a sedan (eg. Audi A4, Mercedes Kompressor, or any car with a visible boot).

2.       He has a protruding stomach that hangs over his freaking belt.

3.       He doesn't flinch at buying you and your friends drinks.  He waddles over “so what you girls drinking tonight”. All the girls give him their orders and he calmly responds “no problem…”

4.       He will make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world. I don’t know how to exactly explain this, but he is very skilled at convincing you that there is a possibility at a future.

5.       He shows you a picture of him and his wife and tells you it’s a picture of his “twin brother” and his wife (trust your instincts – cause I knew it didn't sound right).

6.       He outright tells you about his wife who is overseas and daughter who is starting university in 3 days.

7.       The only time you get a call from him is during weekday lunch time with his work number.

8.       When you call his phone you only get voice-mail and he only calls back sometime later.

9.       He never calls you back but when you do get a call it’s from his wife.

10.   HIS WEARING A RING ON HIS RING FINGER !! Ladies do not believe him when he says he is just wearing it for “control, so that girls don’t approach him” *LOL* (really this happened to me). That’s a definite undeniable sign his married!!!

So there you have it. This is her personal account of how to avoid the married man. You really don’t have to believe that this is true. Its just her bad luck on Long…

The Reckless Driver... strikes again!

One thing I have to mention about the Reckless driver is that they have this extraordinary ability to convince you that you will be safe in their care. This ofcourse being a blatant lie. A person is never ever safe around the Reckless Driver. But, for some odd reason you find that your defences become lowered and you are completely convinced nothing can go wrong. "Its just going to be a normal night out. Nothing can go wrong. There are more than enough "designated" drivers", you try to convince yourself. Once again I had to learn a hard lesson when it comes to the Reckless driver. If its to good to be true...IT PROBABLY IS!

Like most of our nights out, we find ourselves in Long street.We were a group of about 10 girls. Came in two cars and most of the girls could drive at the time (excluding me and one friend of mine - who I will name Olivia). For the purposes of anonymity I will use psuedonames. The plan for driving back to campus was as follows: Firstly, no person who was drinking would be allowed to drive back. Secondly, if it is your car we are using make sure you have a sober alternative driver if you happen to drink. Lastly, we shall wait for those that have been drinking to sober up before we leave. Sounds like a legit plan right? If only...

Now the Reckless driver travels with either a sidekick or an entourage. But here is the important thing to remember about these associates of the Recklesss driver, they all think exactly like the Reckless driver. Essentially giving rise to a group of what I call collectively "The Reckless Driver!". Now, one thing that I know now that I didn't know back then, was that one thing that was more dangerous than a Reckless Driver is a group of Reckless Drivers. Let me tell you why...

When we arrived at Chrome (a previously existing club on Long) that night, I am pretty sure none of those girls that had said they won't drink actually planned on not drinking. Because, the moment we got to Chrome all 8 of the other girls went straight for the bar. Leaving me and Olivia ,the only two who cannot drive, the sober ones. Shot after shot, the girls just kept downing the alcohol. Girls went missing, and then we found them again, and then they went missing again. Some locked themselves in bathroom stalls the whole night throwing up (Tammy and Emma). And others went in search of food at McDonalds (Melany and Anne). And the rest I have no idea were they disappeared to he whole night. What I am sure of is that they were all drinking up a storm. GOODBYE SAFE-DRIVING PLAN!

When it was time to go home and we had successfully found most of the missing parties, there is a police officer questioning one friend (Rebecca). Now, Rebecca decided to drunk-call her ex-boyfriend outside. when her boyfriend didn't pick up because he was with his current girlfriend she got angry and decided she is now driving home. That's when the police officer decided to intervene and question. Just my luck!!! Bad Luck in Long street yet again. After a long discussion ( or whatever drunk people do when they think they making sense in a argument) with the policeman about their ability to drive in their state. He suggests that he drives back in one car whilst his partner trails behind us in their police van (or we could leave and he arrests us for drunk driving). But there is a problem. We came in two cars and the two sober people left cannot drive. That's when Melany and Anne decide to return from McDonalds. Anne who is clearly drunk (I don't know why the policeman never picked it up) lies and says she is sober and can drive the second car. I will repeat. Anne lied and said she was sober and she lied and said she could drive!!! Anne was at the time a beginner learner driver. and If you know Long street you know that no learner driver can really manoeuvre the streets around Long.

We decide to leave with the policeman as our driver. And as per usual the Reckless driver stick together. they all go into Rebecca's car with Anne as their driver. And the rest of us sat in Tammy's car with the policeman as the driver. I kid you not, as we about to pull off, Anne cannot even start the car. Rebecca decides its her car she will drive. We spent the rest of the drive back home tailing Rebecca ,whose car kept swerving left and right then left again the entire time. And Emma sitting in the front seat of Tammy's car apologising  repeatedly for Rebeccas driving and thanking the policemen. Did I mention that Tammy kept throwing up out of her car window the entire drive back.The policeman ,to put it lightly, was highly unimpressed.

We did end up home safe, but that was thanks to the policeman. If it were up to the Reckless driver we would have ended up dead or in prison. You don't have to believe it but it sure as hell happened to me. Its yet another bad event that happened on Long street.

The Reckless (Drunk) Driver

This anecdote is about a person or even a group of people I have collectively named the “Reckless Driver”.

The Reckless Driver is always the person who is too cheap to pay for a cab to go out, so they always offer to drive (if we pay petrol money of course).  They also have to spin you some story of how they won’t drink, and if they do drink they will wait 2 hours to sober up before we leave, or even if they don’t sober up there is always an alternative driver who will most definitely be sober to drive us back. Sounds legit right? If only…

On this particular night we were approached by The Reckless driver and her friend The Alternative driver to go to St Yves for the night. We were not very keen to go as we always take a cab (saves us the hassle of drunk drivers). And I’m pretty sure Miss Reckless Driver wanted us to come along as she needed petrol money. But, she and her sidekick told us some tale of how they are planning not to drink and so on and so forth. Against my better judgement we decide to go.

The night itself was pretty enjoyable. We really had outright fun at St Yves. I even thought that my sixth sense of bad luck was beginning to not work so well anymore. But I was wrong my sixth sense is always right. Now when we got to St Yves we split from the Reckless Driver and her sidekick. So for most of the night we weren’t in contact.

At about 2am Miss Alternative Driver finds me, and says that she is so wasted she needs to go sleep in the car. We find Miss Reckless Driver (who, by the way, is throwing back shots like there’s no tomorrow) and get the car keys. I walk Miss Alternative (who can barely even stand up) to the car and lock her inside. When I get back Miss Reckless tells me she’s about to sober up. I tell you no lies when I say, SHE NEVER DID…She just kept drinking and drinking and drinking.

Okay so Miss Reckless-Drunk driver cannot drive and neither can Miss Alternative-Drunk driver. We are all the way in Camps bay. Our usual cab guys are either unavailable or not answering their phones. And for some strange messed up reason there were no cabs outside the club that night. With no other options we were forced to get into the car with Miss Drunk Driver.

Now there were 3 of us and 2 of them just enough to fit into her small car comfortably. But for some odd reason Miss Drunk Drivers Boyfriend had to occupy the front seat. Now that wouldn’t bother me on a usual night. But, Miss Alternative decided she was going vomit all over the back seat. My bad luck strikes again. So Miss Alternative lay across 75% of the back seat and the 3 of us occupied the 25% that was untouched by the vomit. Super uncomfortable!!!

As we pull off Miss Reckless Driver climbs on to the curb and almost hits a hobo. At that moment I decided to close my eyes. If I am going to die I don’t want to be awake to see it I figured. Her boyfriend kept staring at her and shouting “WAKE UP!!!” every time she dozed off. At some point I opened my eyes to check how far along we were, that’s when the car stalled and rolled back. To make matters worse there was a police car behind us!!!! Luckily that police guy did nothing. And by some twist in fate we had a little bit of luck and made it home alive.

To end of all I can say is BEWARE THE RECKLESS DRIVER and her sidekick alternative driver. They will drink themselves stupid, and try kill you with their drunk-driving. You don’t have to take my word for it. But it is just another misfortune that’s happened to me.

Bad Car-ma

I’ve probably said this before, but when it comes to Long Street I just have a lot of bad karma.  But on this particular Friday, for some odd reason the imaginary Gods that reign over Long decided to give me a break and pour their wrath on another poor unsuspecting soul.  This person to be exact is a friend of mine. We shall name her Emma for the purposes of anonymity.

Our story starts in Long Street Café. And Before I go any further, I should explain the weather that day. It was COOOOOOLD! It was a VERY COLD, VERY RAINY, very WINDY Friday. It RAINED the entire night. Long Street itself was covered in pools of water. It was literally a miserable night for a girls’ night out.

 Now to get back to our story... We were seated in Long Street Café with very little options of where else to go due to the gloomy weather, when more of our friends stream in through the door (including Emma). Unlike us, our other friends where very happy and jubilant. They were optimistic for the rest of the night, when we were so very close to calling it a night. They had all of these ideas of where else we could go to continue the night. We too got excited; I guess the night wasn’t done after all. We finished off our drinks and left the Café.

I really have to repeat this, the weather was atrocious! It poured all the way, on our "run" to the car (most of us in heels, we couldn’t actually run). We get into the car and… the car won’t start. The driver tries it again…nothing. She tries it yet again, and again, and again. But the car would not start, not once. Someone then suggests we get out the car and PUSH! Yes, you read right. We were to PUSH the car down Long Street for it to start.

I had previously mentioned that we were all in heels. I, at that time, had thoughts of horror filling my mind. Firstly, it’s raining! Secondly, we are all in heels! Thirdly, MY HAIR!! I’m pretty sure I was the only one with such feelings of dread. All the other girls except me and another friend decided to get out of the car and push. Don’t know how to explain it but I felt like this situation had no good ending for me. So, I decided to stand on the side and watch these other girls push.

I think they were pushing for about 30 seconds when ,THUD!!!, Emma slips face first into a pool of water. She was DRENCHED!!! SWIMMING in that puddle! With her clutch bag in the one hand and one of her heels lying about a meter away from here. IT WAS THE MOST HORRIFYING THING I HAVE EVER SEEN! Dressed in her little cocktail dress, make-up done, hair done... and she was laying face first in that dirty pool of water in Long Street.

At that very moment I stopped feeling guilty for not helping to push. Clearly I now have a sixth sense when it comes to bad karma in Long. To conclude we did end up getting the car to start with a little help from some random men. But I think it was evident from the unfortunate event that happened to poor Emma, our night was done. Wrong! Emma and the crew decided to carry on their night, whilst we called it quits. I just didn’t want to push my luck to much that night. I had dodged a bullet (thanks to Emma LOL).

You really don’t have to believe this one. You had to have been there to see it. That ends Emma’s story of her bad car-ma (get it?) on Long...