How to become a Long Street hobo

This post is for those individuals who have always wondered how hobos on Long make their living. By the term hobo I’m referring to the homeless vagabonds that roam Long.  

Firstly, you need to learn how to speak proper English (use the correct grammar, proper pronunciation and clear articulation): this is very important if you want to shock the person you are trying to get money from. This shows them that you are not uneducated and that life has just thrown you a few raw deals. This is bound to get you some sympathy and of course some money.

But if that doesn’t work so well, learn to dance. Yes, this is a people-pleaser.  You are bound to be a hit with the few people that happened to catch you entertain. Yes indeed, this will bring in the money. Dance at every street corner, on the road or outside any club. Anywhere were people can stop to watch you. What else do you have to lose?

And if you love to entertain you could also sing with the drunkards walking by. Drunks are usually very friendly and giving. If it makes you cash then why not?

Or you could don a costume. Bright, neon colours always draw attention. I’m sure the people giving you money appreciate the extra effort.

And remember to always be of assistance. Either be it helping out some lost internationals, directing people to certain clubs or even pushing a car down Long. Being of help always brings in some extra cash.

But, if all else fails. You could just resort to showing people the sugar water you drink for foodstuff the and chase them down Long Street till they give in and throw money at you (this actually happened to me. *rolling my eyes*).

You really don’t have to believe this works. I’ve seen it work myself. It’s just one of those odd things I have seen along Long Street.

The Five types of Girls you get on Long

 Since I did a post on the 3 types of men you find on Long, I decided it’s only fair I discuss the 5 types of girls I have had the pleasure of interacting with on Long.

1.       The Socialite

This girl walks into a place, and all ready, all eyes are on her. She doesn't have to be a celebrity or anything. It’s just in the way she behaves. She is usually dressed up really nice, her hair and make-up is perfect and she doesn’t look inexpensive at all. Only problem… is that if you don’t have the money to entertain this girl, don’t even bother trying to get acquainted.  She loves opulence. She adores All things expensive, from Expensive drinks (if it’s not of bottle expensive champagne or the likes do not even offer to buy her a drink), expensive food( you know those I–only-eat-sushi-duck-lobster type girls), VVIP, gifts etc… Unless you look somewhat wealthy, stay away! She usually has her nose in the air. And if you dare approach she will probably ignore you like you were just the invisible air in front of her. If you do succeed to fool her into thinking your rich, sorry to say, when she finds out your not she will be gone like yesterday is gone.

2.       The Flirt

Now this girl is a lovely person to be around. She is fun, bubbly and always up for anything. She also knows how to mingle. So she can introduce you to many people. She usually knows the bouncer, the barman and the manager of places. She speaks to anyone and anybody. There is no judgement when it comes to her. The homeless, the rich, the students and the abstract; All people are alike to her. So if you like making friends or whatever else, she is the best person to approach. She is usually moving around the place and never seated. Be it dancing or chatting with her friends, you will never find her bored at a place. She is awesome to party with because she never stops moving. One thing that might come across about her is that she’s a flirt. How else is she supposed to get free things? But nonetheless, she is harmless and a lovely person to hang out with.

3.       The “WOOOOOOHOOOOO” girls

We all know these girls. They usually party in a large group. Either it’s a 21^st, a group of 1^st years or whatever; this group of girls is MASSIVE. All it takes is for that one girl to go “woooooohoooo!!!” before they all follow in unison “wooooohoooo!!!”, and your left staring at them in annoyance. These girls are usually stupidly drunk. Drunk   to such a point that they no longer can walk or talk properly. But they are very FRIENDLY!!!! So friendly it’s quite irritating. One of them always has to make friends with you and introduce you to her best friend (usually the drunkest person there - *rolling my eyes*). But I have to b e honest, the best thing about these girls is that they will buy you drinks till you drop. Hehehe, like they say if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

4.       The Pessimist

Now understand me perfectly, if you know you have a friend that is cynical….PLEASE LEAVE HER AT HOME!!!! We don’t know why your friend is angry, but we do not appreciate being looked at like we owe her money, or like we killed her family member, or something. She usually walks into a place immediately sits down and crosses her arms. She then spends the rest of the night passing judgemental stares at people. Don’t think for a second that her contemptuous ways are just for strangers because you will be the number one target for her judgements. And unless you want to hear about what you did that night for the next year (because they never forget!!!), I suggest you take my advice and leave this girl at home. I know I do!

5.       The Cougar

Last but not least, the Cougar. This woman loves to party. She has loved partying her entire life and won’t stop anytime soon. She loves to socialize and is a really friendly person. Conversations flow easily with this person. She has been doing this for years; she knows exactly what she’s doing. One thing about this lady is that she is usually very, very old. Know I am not talking about those in their 30’s and 40’s. I’m talking about that woman that has you thinking that she is your mothers age. As if the thought of your mother at a club wasn’t enough, she really loves talking about her kids and how she needs to make sure she gets home before they wake up for school.(O_o)

Now you don’t have to accept what I have said as true. But, I have personally experienced all five of these persona's on Long Street. Yep, this is just one of those things on Long.

The Loop

My thoughts about the Loop are very, very vacillating.

The first time I went there, the Loop was pretty much empty. There were a few people up at VIP and less than 20 people downstairs in general access. What put me of the Loop the first time I went there actually had nothing to do with the Loop at all. It was more of the persona of the people there. There was a limping girl who had a gash on her shin, bleeding blood, into her heels. Literally, her foot was probably bathed in a marsh pit of blood.  She just carried on like her leg wasn’t in pain. Now her I could ignore. What I couldn’t ignore, was the guy who was trying to climb his way into VIP using a framework of lights. Or the random guy that pulled down his pants to show us how special his buttocks were. But, to be honest, those guys didn’t bother me either. What bothered me were the three international creeps who kept smiling and staring at us. I got an eerie feel of “serial killer” from those guys. Simply put, my first visit to the Loop was short-lived.

My second experience of the Loop was a Groove Afrika event. It was the complete opposite of my previous experience. It was PACKED! PACKED!! There was no space to dance, let alone breathe. People were SWEATING!!!  It was so hot inside, it almost made you forget it was winter outside. Yet again, my problems weren’t with the Loop, it was mostly with the crowd.  Due to the fact that there was hardly any space to dance or catch a breath of fresh air, that night was also short lived.

After that, most of the times I went into the Loop have been in-and-out situations. Do not get me wrong, it’s a lovely place but I just can’t stay in there long enough to have a good time.

The Loop itself is quite an edgy club despite its minimalistic feel. I actually really like the place. They usually play electro, and I really love electro.  The manager is a shrewd businessman, very likable I may add.

Maybe others have had better experiences. You really don’t have to take my word it. One thing I can be sure of is that I will keep going there till an epic night comes along. Like I said before I really like the place. Just haven’t been impressed yet. Just my opinion…

Baghdad

What is the first thought that comes into your mind when I say the word “Baghdad”.  That is exactly what the Baghdad of Long Street is like. Hahaha, okay maybe not that bad.

I won’t lie I have found myself in Baghdad very, very many times. So many times I am even acquainted with the bar men, the resident dj’s and the manager (or I think he is a manager). No matter how many times I have been to Baghdad it still hasn’t changed my mind from the first impression I had of the place. In the simplest of descriptions, it really isn’t such a fantastic place for some people.  It’s so not fantastic that I got my cellphone stolen inside, I was harassed by a hobo right outside its door and I have been in a few fights with some guys inside.

 But, despite all these bad happenings I just seem to find myself popping in there for a while when I’m on Long. Maybe it’s the friendly barmen, or the dj’s trendy (and may I add current) tunes, or possibly that they make the best hubbly on Long.

Whatever it is, you haven’t really been to Long street unless you have gone inside. I’m sure you have your own opinions.  You don’t have to take my word for it. I’m just saying…

The Reckless Driver... strikes again!

One thing I have to mention about the Reckless driver is that they have this extraordinary ability to convince you that you will be safe in their care. This ofcourse being a blatant lie. A person is never ever safe around the Reckless Driver. But, for some odd reason you find that your defences become lowered and you are completely convinced nothing can go wrong. "Its just going to be a normal night out. Nothing can go wrong. There are more than enough "designated" drivers", you try to convince yourself. Once again I had to learn a hard lesson when it comes to the Reckless driver. If its to good to be true...IT PROBABLY IS!

Like most of our nights out, we find ourselves in Long street.We were a group of about 10 girls. Came in two cars and most of the girls could drive at the time (excluding me and one friend of mine - who I will name Olivia). For the purposes of anonymity I will use psuedonames. The plan for driving back to campus was as follows: Firstly, no person who was drinking would be allowed to drive back. Secondly, if it is your car we are using make sure you have a sober alternative driver if you happen to drink. Lastly, we shall wait for those that have been drinking to sober up before we leave. Sounds like a legit plan right? If only...

Now the Reckless driver travels with either a sidekick or an entourage. But here is the important thing to remember about these associates of the Recklesss driver, they all think exactly like the Reckless driver. Essentially giving rise to a group of what I call collectively "The Reckless Driver!". Now, one thing that I know now that I didn't know back then, was that one thing that was more dangerous than a Reckless Driver is a group of Reckless Drivers. Let me tell you why...

When we arrived at Chrome (a previously existing club on Long) that night, I am pretty sure none of those girls that had said they won't drink actually planned on not drinking. Because, the moment we got to Chrome all 8 of the other girls went straight for the bar. Leaving me and Olivia ,the only two who cannot drive, the sober ones. Shot after shot, the girls just kept downing the alcohol. Girls went missing, and then we found them again, and then they went missing again. Some locked themselves in bathroom stalls the whole night throwing up (Tammy and Emma). And others went in search of food at McDonalds (Melany and Anne). And the rest I have no idea were they disappeared to he whole night. What I am sure of is that they were all drinking up a storm. GOODBYE SAFE-DRIVING PLAN!

When it was time to go home and we had successfully found most of the missing parties, there is a police officer questioning one friend (Rebecca). Now, Rebecca decided to drunk-call her ex-boyfriend outside. when her boyfriend didn't pick up because he was with his current girlfriend she got angry and decided she is now driving home. That's when the police officer decided to intervene and question. Just my luck!!! Bad Luck in Long street yet again. After a long discussion ( or whatever drunk people do when they think they making sense in a argument) with the policeman about their ability to drive in their state. He suggests that he drives back in one car whilst his partner trails behind us in their police van (or we could leave and he arrests us for drunk driving). But there is a problem. We came in two cars and the two sober people left cannot drive. That's when Melany and Anne decide to return from McDonalds. Anne who is clearly drunk (I don't know why the policeman never picked it up) lies and says she is sober and can drive the second car. I will repeat. Anne lied and said she was sober and she lied and said she could drive!!! Anne was at the time a beginner learner driver. and If you know Long street you know that no learner driver can really manoeuvre the streets around Long.

We decide to leave with the policeman as our driver. And as per usual the Reckless driver stick together. they all go into Rebecca's car with Anne as their driver. And the rest of us sat in Tammy's car with the policeman as the driver. I kid you not, as we about to pull off, Anne cannot even start the car. Rebecca decides its her car she will drive. We spent the rest of the drive back home tailing Rebecca ,whose car kept swerving left and right then left again the entire time. And Emma sitting in the front seat of Tammy's car apologising  repeatedly for Rebeccas driving and thanking the policemen. Did I mention that Tammy kept throwing up out of her car window the entire drive back.The policeman ,to put it lightly, was highly unimpressed.

We did end up home safe, but that was thanks to the policeman. If it were up to the Reckless driver we would have ended up dead or in prison. You don't have to believe it but it sure as hell happened to me. Its yet another bad event that happened on Long street.